“If you continue to dig the same hole in the same place in your life, eventually you will be standing in a grave.” ― Shannon L. Alder
Do you feel like a rabbit caught in the headlamps? Are you stuck? Unable to make up your mind, no matter how much you try?
I don’t know what’s brought you to this place.
But I know how you feel. Like your soul is in a straight-jacket. You can’t move forwards. You can’t move back. And you sure as hell can’t stay where you are.
You’re caught between a rock and a hard place.
Whatever the reasons for arriving in this place, I get it. I’ve been there. I mean truly been there. I’m not judging you one bit.
You’re in a quandary.
Stop turning it over in your mind, like a washing machine on a continuous spin cycle.
Here are five steps to get unstuck and make your big decision.
Step one: If you can’t find the answer, ask a different question.
Reframe by asking a different question, free of foregone conclusions.
“Once your mindset changes, everything on the outside will change along with it.” ― Steve Maraboli
There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory mentioned, which states that this has already happened — Douglas Adams
In Douglas Adam’s Life, the Universe and Everything, Prak receives an overdose of truth serum. He can’t stop spouting Absolute Truths. He explains why The Question and The Answer can’t co-exist in any one universe.
My meaning is: If you keep focusing on the problem, you’ll keep getting more of the same.
If you’re stuck in a loop and can’t escape, you’re focusing on the wrong thing. You’re asking the wrong questions. You’re stuck in the wrong universe.
Stop asking:
Should I date this person or that person?
Should I take the job or go back to college?
Should I be a writer or an artist or buy that exotic pizza topping franchise?
Should I get divorced or stay married?
Should I get a big business loan, or should I play it safe?
How the hell am I going to stop being so flat broke all the time?
Why am I such a loser?
Why can’t I stop eating so much?
What is wrong with me?
Etc.
Instead, ask this question: How can I be more expansive, prosperous, and joyful?
If you’re not ready to be that positive- ask yourself this: How can I feel better?
Don’t ask: How can I stop being so broke?
Ask: How can I be wealthy?
Don’t ask: Why aren’t I a millionaire yet?
Ask: How can I become a millionaire?
Don’t ask: Should I be with this person?
Ask: What makes me happiest?
A question expands because it’s wide open. An answer diminishes. It imposes your conclusions onto reality before you’ve even begun.
Make sure the question you’re asking doesn’t project your conclusions.
And stop right there. You don’t need an answer straight away. You need to ask the right question. Stay with the question.
Ask the right question over and over again. Write it down. Say it on repeat. Anytime your mind goes back to a question which contains limitation, ask a different one.
Relax. The answers are coming, Neo.
Step two: Wave a magic wand
Visualise your ultimate desired outcome without restraint.
If I had a magic wand, I would live in a building in New York, big enough so my friends, my family could all have apartments in it. We’d raise our kids in the same space and have backyard barbecues and get old and fat together — Liz Murray
Ask yourself this:
If I could wave a magic wand and have, be, do anything, what would it be?
What would your dream business be? Where would you live? What would being in a happy relationship feel like to you?
Write it down. Add detail. Don’t hold back. This is an imaginative exercise — there are no rules here.
What would you do if you knew you couldn’t fail, and nothing could stop you?
The answers to your dilemma lie inside your wildest, happiest fantasies. You need to keep your focus on your future, not on your past.
Once you see your vision, ask yourself this: What is one thing I can do today to get me closer to that vision?
There are no limitations here. Although for this to work, you need to believe your vision is in the realm of possibility. This isn’t going to work if your vision is, I have wings and fly like a bird and live in a castle of pure gold.
Although what do I know about what’s possible or not for you? I do know it’s far, far better to think too big than too small.
Step three: Acknowledge the advantage in your stuckness.
Examine how you are benefitting from being stuck.
“If your mind is truly, profoundly stuck, then you may be much better off than when it was loaded with ideas. The solution to the problem often at first seems unimportant or undesirable, but the state of stuckness allows it, in time, to assumes its true importance… Stuckness shouldn’t be avoided. It’s the psychic predecessor of all real understanding.” ― Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values
Ask yourself this: How am I benefitting from being stuck?
Stuckness can be a response to fear.
If you get unstuck and leave your partner of forty years, you may have to lose that 40 pounds and get a job. You’ll have to summon up the courage to tell his Mom. You’ll have to cut your own lawn.
If you get unstuck, you’ll have to admit to your parents that they wasted their money sending you to Harvard. You’ll have to tell them that you’re going to open up a vegan, raw-food yoga colony in the Austin Hill Country. And no, you don’t have a clue how you’ll raise the money. And yes, you’re terrified, but you’re doing it anyway.
Whatever it is, your stuckness may be a result of your fear.
If that’s the case, admit it: you’re not stuck, you’re afraid.
Sometimes, stuckness is necessary. It’s just not time yet. You need the space to gestate, to grow. To do nothing.
Ask yourself if your stuckness is buying you time. Is it letting you rest? Is it part of your creative process?
Maybe, in your heart of hearts, you’d rather be organizing your stamp collection. You don’t really want to go backpacking in Nepal.
Face up to what’s underneath the stuckness. Admit what you are getting from it. Be grateful for the stuckness and what it is doing for you.
Step four: Offer yourself upon the altar of stillness
“What’s really been getting you stuck is the running from the stuckness through the cars of your train of knowledge looking for a solution that is out in front of the train.” ― Robert M. Pirsig, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance: An Inquiry Into Values
There’s a place at the center of everything. It’s peace and stillness. It’s the truth. There is no quandary there. The truth is, you could have skipped all three of the previous steps and. gone straight to this.
Go deep. Go humble. Prostrate yourself at that altar and offer everything up to it. All your fears, your confusion, your vulnerability, endless thoughts.
Say these words, I don’t know what I should do. I humble myself and give it all up to the power of Divine Love to fix for me.
Get down on your knees. You haven’t a clue, and that’s ok.
Then let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Trust. Have faith that your life is unfolding just as it should.
The right path will unfold, as sure as the sun will rise tomorrow.
Step five: Quit the maze by leaping the hedge.
Take action, even if it’s the wrong action, always from your place of peace.
“The way to get unstuck is to start down the wrong path, right now. Step by step, page by page, interaction by interaction. As you start moving, you can’t help but improve, can’t help but incrementally find yourself getting back toward your north star. You might not end up with perfect, but it’s significantly more valuable than being stuck. Don’t just start. Continue. Ship. Repeat.” ― Seth Godin
If you’re a rat in a maze, going around and around, never finding a way out, it’s time to do something different. You’re travelling in the wrong direction.
Stop trying to go forwards, or backward, or sideways. Whatever you do, don’t stay in the same spot. Instead, go up.
You go up when you take a leap. Any leap. Even the wrong leap. You need physical action here, not thinking. Physical action, aligned with God’s peace.
Start small if you have to.
Can’t figure out if you’re a writer? Write one thing. One sentence. That’s all. Take action.
Or do something bigger. Submit an article. Research agents. Sign up for a course. Tell your parents you’re writing a novel instead of going to college — they’ll love it, for sure.
“If you’re going to stay, stay forever. If you’re going to leave, leave today.”- Anonymous.
Can’t figure out if you should stay or leave?
Time to stop thinking. Time to start doing. The answers will come when you do.
Pack your suitcase and put the wheels in motion, and see how that feels. Look for an apartment. Look for another job. Follow the action — secretly if you need to. Don’t hurt people or rock the boat unnecessarily- as long as it feels right.
When it feels wrong, stop, and about-turn. Take a different action.
Stay. Throw yourself into your current situation with all your heart. Cook dinner and smile and start acting the part of someone happy in your relationship until you are.
The same goes for the job you’re not sure about or the place you live.
Unravel one thread, even the tiniest of threads, from that knotted ball of tangled wool. The whole darn ball will come undone.
The takeaway
Five steps to getting unstuck and making a big life decision summed up:
1) Reframe by asking a different question, free of foregone conclusions.
2) Visualise your ultimate desired outcome without restraint.
3) Examine how you are benefitting from being stuck.
4) Find your center and let go.
5)Take action, even if it’s the wrong action.
Whatever you decide, I know you’ll be great. I wish you everything
.
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