Healing Forgiveness-Seeking Behaviour (F.S.B)

Triggering Shame and the Quest for Absolution

A friend let me down recently. She failed to write a crucial, life-changing letter she had promised. This betrayal unearthed deeper layers of emotion in me. Being treated poorly triggered some deep-seated shame and anger within me.

For my well-being and self-respect, I shut down the friendship. It felt like ripping off a band-aid, but it had to be done. I faced some wounds I was hiding from myself. And it marked the beginning of some new insights and inner alchemy. 

The Energetic Games We Play

Human relationships are intricate and subtle dances of energetic exchange. When these exchanges become imbalanced, we may feel short-changed. This can manifest as anger, resentment, or withdrawal. Thoughts such as 'But I would have done this for them a thousand times over!' and 'But I am always giving of myself! I never ask for anything, and I give so much!' etc. may fuel our righteous indignation. 

It's crucial to recognize when we've been pulled into a game of what I call 'Forgiveness-Seeking Behavior' (F.S.B). F.S.B. is all about doing things to trigger our shame and then seeking absolution for that shame. Someone may behave in an abusive, negligent, careless or selfish way. They may even cheat, steal, harm, or lie. Or perhaps they ignore our birthday despite years of us remembering theirs. Or they 'forget' to do things they said they would do for us. Whatever it is, they want to feel ashamed of themselves. And they want to receive forgiveness for their shame.

F.S.B. is a cry for healing. They are saying, 'Do you still love me, even though I treat you badly? Will you absolve me of my shame?"

Flakiness

'Flakiness' is a common example of F.S.B. Did my friend 'forget' to write that letter for me, as she claimed? Or was she engaging in F.S.B.? I know she wouldn't have 'forgotten' to do it if she'd been getting paid $1000 for doing it. She wouldn't have 'forgotten' to do it if she'd needed the letter for herself. Yes, perhaps she did 'forget'. Maybe she is convinced that she forgot. But I believe there were deeper, subconscious, motivations for that 'forgetting.' 

We must also examine our own cries for forgiveness. Is there something we often do that we always end up apologizing for? Do we have a pattern of being late, 'forgetful’, clumsy? Do we ignore other people’s successes, blank their emails, ruin other people's clothing in the wash? I realized my habit of crashing dishes in the kitchen may be a subconscious plea for love. My occasional bouts of irritable behaviour, which I always end up apologizing for, are a clear case of F.S.B.

Meanwhile, if we find ourselves drawn into someone else's F.S.B., we must examine our own part. Are we addicted to feeling 'hard-done-by'? Sometimes, we give too much of our own energy in a pitiful bid to be loved. Somewhere along the line, we came to believe we had to lower our own standards for ourselves to be loved. We think we can only receive love through excessive ‘giving’. Do we enjoy being the victim or the martyr? What benefit do we get from the F.S.B dynamic? Do we enjoy the grandiosity of forgiving or the self-importance of being ‘right’? Are we addicted to feeling enraged? Superior? 

F.S.B. is a game that takes two to play.

Understanding vs. Healing

Only lucidity heals F.S.B. However, the compulsion to dissect others' motives only strengthens unhealthy, energetic ties. Too much focus on others' misconduct will prevent our own liberation. Understanding others' poor behaviour does not facilitate their healing or our own. Healing lies in reclaiming our energy, not in creating more cords. We can only heal ourselves, not others. Trying to heal others may create energetic stickiness or bondage.

The incident with my friend underscored a fundamental truth. We are not hurt by people but by the chasm between our expectations and their actions. It was also a lesson in the futility of seeking steadfastness where it's absent. I may see certain things as non-negotiable. But this doesn't mean others see things the same way. Yes, I value dependability in friendships. But others may not, and that's their prerogative. We must learn to adjust our expectations of people rather than trying to adjust people themselves. 

Self-Respect 

We are Spirit, valuable beyond all measure. Therefore, our worth is not contingent upon others' behavior. Recognizing this empowers us to establish boundaries that honor our self-respect. When friends fail us, it's not a reflection of our value. It's a signal to reassess our tolerance for such disappointments. We must ask not, 'Why are they doing this?' but, 'Why do I put up with this?' 

The trouble is, unreliable friends can be energetic placeholders for more worthy friendships. We all deserve loyal and consistent friends, friends we can count on and trust. If we put up with less than this, we are not leaving room for what we truly require. 

Solitude is preferable to being undervalued. Self-respect is non-negotiable. True friendships are characterized by consistency and loyalty. These qualities should never be compromised. We deserve people who uplift, support and respect us. Mutual trust is a prerequisite. No amount of charm, wit, personality, intelligence, or rapor can compensate for its lack.

Friends are those who are there for us when we need them. If they can't or won't be, they are not true friends. They are tests. 

The Privilege of Access

Access to our energy is a privilege, not a right. We have the autonomy to choose who we share our energy with. Those who let us down are not fixtures in our journey but detours guiding us towards realization of Self.

My experience, though painful, was a profound teacher. It affirmed the unfailing love of Spirit. Divine Love doesn't require anything from us. It is not contingent. We don't have to sacrifice, prostrate or prove ourselves to receive this love. All we have to do is be.

So, what is the future of my friendship with the person who let me down? Will we step beyond this juncture? Or will we become examples of past lessons learned? The love between us is not in doubt, and never has been. I am willing to grow and move forward.

I will not say I am willing to forgive because forgiveness is all that there is. Forgiveness and healing are one, and we are forever moving toward greater healing. In Truth, there is and never was anything to forgive. All is, and always was, eternally forgiven. 

But, if she has read this article and is also willing to learn from this and grow, she knows where to find me.